Cost Effect

The last few days have taken me back a bit.  Tweeking medications can be a very bumpy ride.  Today I took a census of what has been gained or lost in the last few months.  Though I was not totally defined by my job, a lot of my close relationships were formed there.  I guess I didn't expect how those relationships would be impacted by not being part of a team.  It is pretty lonely at times and my contact with those friends has suffered greatly.

I feel sometimes like my illness has robbed me of many things.  The ability to work, sharing the little things that happen and stretching my friendships.  It seems like I am good at making plans, but not so good at being able to follow through.  Today was one of those days where I know I disappointed a good friend by having to cancel due to it being a challenging day.  At times I wonder how many friends I will have left when all is said and done.  I went to an event on Saturday and had to leave right after lunch because of that gnawing panicky feeling in my gut.  I cancelled a Sunday visit with my "iron sharpening iron" friend and had to cancel today.

It is discouraging to think that my personality and ability to interact is determined by medication.  Right now I am like a bouncing ball - it was great when the ball was high in the air - almost euphoric.  But, then comes the time when the ball starts to drop.  While the ball was high in the air I made plans and was able to follow through.  In fact, for a while I was too high and knew that wouldn't last.

Just last week I had my two younger granddaughters with me and was able to interact with them just fine.  If it were this week, I don't know what the outcome would be.  I am so grateful I had that time and felt normal, whatever that is.  I just don't know how this is all going to work out - it depends on so many things I can't control.  Right now I just feel lonely and discouraged.  I miss my friends and life as it was.  Who will be left when everything settles.  Who wants a friend who is so unpredictable?  Who wants a friend who has very little to give back?  Who will be there?  That's where my thoughts are today.

Camping at Mt. Sinai

My Bible Study group is dong a study entitled, "One in a Million".  The lesson this morning was on camping at the foot of Mt. Sinai. The idea of camping is to settle in even though this was not what the Israelites desired.  They wanted to move right into the "land with milk and honey".  I can identify so much with wanting a trial to end and move on to better times, BUT...this was a place where intimacy with our Lord is so rich, if we yield to God's choice for our lives.

I've been camped out for almost three years.  The desire of my heart is to have harmony with those I love, to be the catalyst for my husband securing a job, even if he is 65 years old.  To enjoy sunlight instead of gloom.  Success instead of failure. Health instead of illness, and the list goes on, BUT...what would I learn about my Savior if all went well all the time.  I'll admit, I don't like God's timing in my wilderness experience.  I have been broken and saddened during this time and I know only God can bring me out.  I've sobbed and cried out to my Heavenly Father for the comfort only He can give.  So many friends believe this will lead to greater ministry and the ability to identify with others.  BUT...what if God is only allowing this so I can be more intimate with Him.  I would say it would be worth it to have that kind of relationship with God, to be totally dependent on Him for all of my needs, and perhaps some of my wants.

Today I am having sweet fellowship with my Lord.  I have a deep sense of His presence and sovereignty.  He knows when I need to break camp and enjoy the promised land.  After all, we are only here for a little while.

Head Over Heels

Years ago I was able to play tennis weekly with three other women from my church.  Not only did we play tennis together, we would fellowship over a meal.  We kept each other spiritually accountable and shared at a very deep level of sharing and caring. I looked forward to Thursdays for many years until the pain became unbearable and I had to stop this activity. 

Thursday of this week marked a huge event.  Four very special ladies allowed me to dust off my racket and try out my new wings of freedom.  It felt so natural to put that racket in my hand and ease into playing doubles.  I was just getting in my groove when I went for a ball that just dropped over the net.  My mind told me I could get to that ball and take it down the line on my opponents.  But, my body did not follow my mind.  I felt my body  topple head over heels to the hard, cold concrete leaving me looking up at the ceiling.  Of course, these sweet, caring ladies ran to check out the damage expecting to find a bloody mess.  I came out of it with a few abrasions, with the rest of  my body intact with no broken bones.  A shout out to Adelle Dickie, Sheila Lehman and Diana Stickle and Peggy Bough for allowing me this special time.  They were so gracious to put up with my feeble attempt to feel 16 again.

I may try my hand at tennis again in a little while.  What a wonderful feeling of freedom was mine - I was soaring with the eagles.  I've asked myself many times what is meant by a little while.  I venture to guess my timetable doesn't come close to what is reversed in scripture.  Often other verses with the same phrase indicate a very long time.  For example:


I Peter 1:  
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. "

I Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."


John 16:17
..."In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me..."
 Here a little while is over 2000 years, but a day is like a thousand years to our Heavenly Father.
 

Hebrews 12:10

"They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."

Although I am comforted by the fact that I will dwell eternally with my Savior, Jesus Christ, I also realize a little while could be a thousand years or longer.  Although I expect Jesus to come back any moment, to Him it is just a little while.  Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.

A Little While

I Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and stedfast.  To Him be the power for ever and ever.

How much is a little while?  Does that mean our possible 80 years on earth? Is it different for each of us?  Can we do anything to get out of the trial we are in?  Would we get out of the trial if we could even if it meant missing out on a blessing or our character changed?  How comforting is the word grace or restore and the fact He has the power to do anything.  Bottom line, "He is God, I am not."

I find this verse very comforting.  It has resounded with me many times in my life.  I am not sure if this isn't the longest and most life-changing trial I have been through or am going through.  This trial entails the physical, emotional, relational, financial, and spiritual suffering - all of which has one goal according to scripture.  The pruning process is very painful.  I feel like all my branches have been trimmed back to where there is nothing to see but the tree.  Now my prayers have focused on what God may have for service in the future because this isn't all for nothing.

Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on a pill.  It is so difficult to have an illness that required medication for me to feel normal.  My counselor challenged me to differentiate between mental illness or diabetes, etc.  Other diseases, illnesses require medication for someone to feel normal.  Why do I even question that.  Now that the medication has changed the chemicals that were not being produced properly, my personality seems to be back - at least the personality that I prefer.  Will my honesty and vulnerability help someone else?  Is it only to change me?  Am I able to glorify God through this?  Does it depend on my reaction?  Do I have control over my actions?  Only He can make me strong, firm and steadfast.  It doesn't come as a result of anything I do, it is who I am in Jesus Christ.  I am His beloved.  He loves me lavishly.  He loved me before I even was known by Him.

A lot of questions and the perfect answer - "He is God, I am not."

Called According to His Purpose

"...And we know that in all things God works for the good..."
Have you ever had doubts about what His Word says?  Well, I have recently, but then, the crashing waves of God's prospective and protection overwhelmed my soul.  These last few weeks have been so dark it looked to me like that very last flicker of light before it is snuffed out and all you see is the smoke from what had been bright and beautiful.  I can't describe what it is like to even despair of living.  I'm not talking being down or having a bad couple of days - I am talking darkness of the soul.
"...of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose..."
There may be those who think this mental illness stuff is "all in your head", but that is quite literal.  Our brains are an unbelievable organ, just like the heart, kidneys, liver, thyroid, etc., and when the chemicals aren't working in the brain, it is a matter of the problem is in your head.  My new doc, Dr. Dubey, added a medication for bipolar and it is working!  It is only a temporary fix at the moment until the other medications kick in.  The only way to describe what I am feeling is on a high.  Everything looks so different, really like night and day.  I don't know what it will be like when I am weaned off of it, but I have to say I haven't felt as good as this for years!  I am going to enjoy this possible false reality while I can.  It boggles my mind that many of you are blessed to enjoy this reality all the time.  Please be grateful for it because to be mentally ill can rob you of "feeling" the blessings we have.  I do love my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and I have been called according to His purpose.  That means God is not finished with me yet, and as my friend and Pastor has encouraged me to remember, "Our greatest days are just ahead".  In this state of mind, I fully believe that.  It will be an adventure to see how this fleshes out in the days ahead.  Watch out!!!!
 

Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

My journey just took three steps back.  The battle seems overwhelming today.  Lots of tears and questions.  I read so many posts on facebook from those who seem on top of everything spiritually.  Their faith increases with trials while mine is weaker.  Glowing testimonies and verses and beautiful stories of how they face life and even death.  Here I am with tears flowing wanting "to be" like Christ in my reactions, in my trust, in my life. 

Right now the layers of challenges are one big lump.  I am not navigating well.  I know my compass needs to face true north, but the point is going around in circles.  My desire is to honor God and come out of this as a testimony.  Today I feel like a blight to His name.  "Oh, to have wings that I could fly away...."

Family DNA - Part I

How much impact do our genes have on our lives?  Kim suggested the book, "Blue Genes" by Paul Meier, M.D. for me to read.  According to the author, genes play a huge roll in the area of brain chemical abnormalities.  What I did not realize was how many chemicals are involved and the effect that may have for a great number of illnesses.  It would be a good read for any family that deals with mental illness in any of it's forms. 

Up until two weeks before my mother's death at age 69, she basically blamed others for life's disappointments, but she consistently blamed me following my father's death when I was 13. She considered me extra baggage when she was forced to parent on her own. My predisposition was to embrace that blame and allow it to poison myself and others around me.  At age 19, I became a fully committed follower of Christ to which my mother commented, "we'll see how long that lasts".  Due to the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father, it is here to stay!  But on her death bed, for the first time in my entire 34 years, my mother told me she was sorry and how much she loved me.  We connected for the first time and looked forward to new memories - they lasted another two weeks.  I didn't just lose my mother, I grieved a lifetime of loss.  This made me so aware of what I didn't want to have happen with my children. 

It wasn't until my late 30's that I was actually diagnosed and treated properly for a chemical imbalance - there were so many new treatments due to the study of the brain.  I had nervous breakdowns throughout my life until then, but never got medical help - I was so determined not to become like my mother. She was basically a drug addict, going from one doctor to another for any pill that would get her through the day - a diet pill to get her going in the morning, a pill to help her go to the bathroom, a pill to dull her depression, a pill to dull the pain and another pill to go to sleep.   She convinced me to take some of the same medications in my late teens when I couldn't cope with life, but I flushed them down the commode.  She was paranoid, lived on cigarettes and coffee, rarely dressed and hardly moved from her chair. I was determined by God's grace to break away from the sins of my family of origin and live a life of obedience to Him. The enemy of my soul has fought that every step of the way.  

This blog was created as an assignment from my therapist, Kim Dodd (www.cfmft.com).  Kim is walking me through some major life changes and has encouraged me to blog my journey.  We are determined to change my surviving to thriving through the power and direction of my Heavenly Father.  So I am a blank page upon which God is writing HIStory.
At 64 years of age major depression, panic disorder and fibromyalgia has crippled  my ability to  continue in a job that combined my passion with my vocation.  As part of the Care Team at Nappanee Missionary Church for the past 10 years, God allowed me to use my painful experiences to help comfort others in pain.
II Corinthians 1:3-4  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
I am grieving this loss combined with other losses experienced in recent years.  Though I am not defined by what I did, it is a huge adjustment.  I am defined by my faith in Jesus Christ, my Savior and Lord and even that faith is given as a gift.  Mental illness is at best a subject to be avoided and at worst misunderstood and labeled.  Admitting I am weak and without hope aside from the sustaining power of God is in itself healing,  “… for when I am weak, then am I strong.”  I am in receiving mode with nothing to give others.  So the birth of this blog is part of the healing.  If anyone decides to “ride along”, I ask that you pray for those who are struggling with this disease.  Many hide behind a smile while silently screaming for help.  Since it is rarely detected, it could be someone you call a friend, or a pastor, or your family doctor, or your neighbor, or your child, or……you.
I will complete this assignment and see where it leads.  Healing is a lifelong journey!

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Posted on July 18, 2014

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Second Maiden Voyage

This is a do over.  Things weren't working quite right on the other free blog spot - so let's try this one.

When I started going to Kim Dodd (www.cfmft.com), I thought a couple of sessions would be enough.  After all, I had been to counseling at various times during my life and was sure I had dealt with past hurts, losses, etc.  I didn't realize that Kim had a different approach and that old hurts don't magically go away.  It can be exhausting peeling back the layers of the onion and revisiting some of those things I had buried.  I know from being an administrator for GriefShare (www.griefshare.org) that grief will hit you like waves at times you least expect it and that grief is a journey, one that never ends.  So I shouldn't be surprised that our past can come back like waves - you get the same lump in your throat, your heart beat accelerates and you fight back the tears.  I also shouldn't be surprised that I have cried more in the last couple of months than I can remember for quite some time.  Part of that is holding things in to have some semblance of control so I could function in my busy, demanding life.  

I became acquainted with depression as a child even before my father died when I was 13 and my mother at age 34.  I am more aware as an adult that there were memories I buried so deep because they were just too painful to acknowledge.  Some of my earliest counseling advise was to just move on and not deal with things you can't change.  You can imagine how that worked.  At age 40 I could no longer ignore the fact that something was not working right in my body.  All the churches in which we had been involved believed that depression was a sin and people with mental illness were probably at least demon oppressed.  Wanting to be viewed as spiritual, I kept this secret until it blew up in my face as well as my family.  That began a very painful journey.  

I think this is enough sharing for one day.  And yes, Kim, this exercise in writing may be very healing.

God bless.