The last few days have taken me back a bit. Tweeking medications can be a very bumpy ride. Today I took a census of what has been gained or lost in the last few months. Though I was not totally defined by my job, a lot of my close relationships were formed there. I guess I didn't expect how those relationships would be impacted by not being part of a team. It is pretty lonely at times and my contact with those friends has suffered greatly.
I feel sometimes like my illness has robbed me of many things. The ability to work, sharing the little things that happen and stretching my friendships. It seems like I am good at making plans, but not so good at being able to follow through. Today was one of those days where I know I disappointed a good friend by having to cancel due to it being a challenging day. At times I wonder how many friends I will have left when all is said and done. I went to an event on Saturday and had to leave right after lunch because of that gnawing panicky feeling in my gut. I cancelled a Sunday visit with my "iron sharpening iron" friend and had to cancel today.
It is discouraging to think that my personality and ability to interact is determined by medication. Right now I am like a bouncing ball - it was great when the ball was high in the air - almost euphoric. But, then comes the time when the ball starts to drop. While the ball was high in the air I made plans and was able to follow through. In fact, for a while I was too high and knew that wouldn't last.
Just last week I had my two younger granddaughters with me and was able to interact with them just fine. If it were this week, I don't know what the outcome would be. I am so grateful I had that time and felt normal, whatever that is. I just don't know how this is all going to work out - it depends on so many things I can't control. Right now I just feel lonely and discouraged. I miss my friends and life as it was. Who will be left when everything settles. Who wants a friend who is so unpredictable? Who wants a friend who has very little to give back? Who will be there? That's where my thoughts are today.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Camping at Mt. Sinai
My Bible Study group is dong a study entitled, "One in a Million". The lesson this morning was on camping at the foot of Mt. Sinai. The idea of camping is to settle in even though this was not what the Israelites desired. They wanted to move right into the "land with milk and honey". I can identify so much with wanting a trial to end and move on to better times, BUT...this was a place where intimacy with our Lord is so rich, if we yield to God's choice for our lives.
I've been camped out for almost three years. The desire of my heart is to have harmony with those I love, to be the catalyst for my husband securing a job, even if he is 65 years old. To enjoy sunlight instead of gloom. Success instead of failure. Health instead of illness, and the list goes on, BUT...what would I learn about my Savior if all went well all the time. I'll admit, I don't like God's timing in my wilderness experience. I have been broken and saddened during this time and I know only God can bring me out. I've sobbed and cried out to my Heavenly Father for the comfort only He can give. So many friends believe this will lead to greater ministry and the ability to identify with others. BUT...what if God is only allowing this so I can be more intimate with Him. I would say it would be worth it to have that kind of relationship with God, to be totally dependent on Him for all of my needs, and perhaps some of my wants.
Today I am having sweet fellowship with my Lord. I have a deep sense of His presence and sovereignty. He knows when I need to break camp and enjoy the promised land. After all, we are only here for a little while.
I've been camped out for almost three years. The desire of my heart is to have harmony with those I love, to be the catalyst for my husband securing a job, even if he is 65 years old. To enjoy sunlight instead of gloom. Success instead of failure. Health instead of illness, and the list goes on, BUT...what would I learn about my Savior if all went well all the time. I'll admit, I don't like God's timing in my wilderness experience. I have been broken and saddened during this time and I know only God can bring me out. I've sobbed and cried out to my Heavenly Father for the comfort only He can give. So many friends believe this will lead to greater ministry and the ability to identify with others. BUT...what if God is only allowing this so I can be more intimate with Him. I would say it would be worth it to have that kind of relationship with God, to be totally dependent on Him for all of my needs, and perhaps some of my wants.
Today I am having sweet fellowship with my Lord. I have a deep sense of His presence and sovereignty. He knows when I need to break camp and enjoy the promised land. After all, we are only here for a little while.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Head Over Heels
Years ago I was able to play tennis weekly with three other women from my church. Not only did we play tennis together, we would fellowship over a meal. We kept each other spiritually accountable and shared at a very deep level of sharing and caring. I looked forward to Thursdays for many years until the pain became unbearable and I had to stop this activity.
Thursday of this week marked a huge event. Four very special ladies allowed me to dust off my racket and try out my new wings of freedom. It felt so natural to put that racket in my hand and ease into playing doubles. I was just getting in my groove when I went for a ball that just dropped over the net. My mind told me I could get to that ball and take it down the line on my opponents. But, my body did not follow my mind. I felt my body topple head over heels to the hard, cold concrete leaving me looking up at the ceiling. Of course, these sweet, caring ladies ran to check out the damage expecting to find a bloody mess. I came out of it with a few abrasions, with the rest of my body intact with no broken bones. A shout out to Adelle Dickie, Sheila Lehman and Diana Stickle and Peggy Bough for allowing me this special time. They were so gracious to put up with my feeble attempt to feel 16 again.
I may try my hand at tennis again in a little while. What a wonderful feeling of freedom was mine - I was soaring with the eagles. I've asked myself many times what is meant by a little while. I venture to guess my timetable doesn't come close to what is reversed in scripture. Often other verses with the same phrase indicate a very long time. For example:
I Peter 1:
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. "
I Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
John 16:17
..."In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me..."
Here a little while is over 2000 years, but a day is like a thousand years to our Heavenly Father.
"They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."
Although I am comforted by the fact that I will dwell eternally with my Savior, Jesus Christ, I also realize a little while could be a thousand years or longer. Although I expect Jesus to come back any moment, to Him it is just a little while. Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.
Thursday of this week marked a huge event. Four very special ladies allowed me to dust off my racket and try out my new wings of freedom. It felt so natural to put that racket in my hand and ease into playing doubles. I was just getting in my groove when I went for a ball that just dropped over the net. My mind told me I could get to that ball and take it down the line on my opponents. But, my body did not follow my mind. I felt my body topple head over heels to the hard, cold concrete leaving me looking up at the ceiling. Of course, these sweet, caring ladies ran to check out the damage expecting to find a bloody mess. I came out of it with a few abrasions, with the rest of my body intact with no broken bones. A shout out to Adelle Dickie, Sheila Lehman and Diana Stickle and Peggy Bough for allowing me this special time. They were so gracious to put up with my feeble attempt to feel 16 again.
I may try my hand at tennis again in a little while. What a wonderful feeling of freedom was mine - I was soaring with the eagles. I've asked myself many times what is meant by a little while. I venture to guess my timetable doesn't come close to what is reversed in scripture. Often other verses with the same phrase indicate a very long time. For example:
I Peter 1:
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. "
I Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
John 16:17
..."In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me..."
Here a little while is over 2000 years, but a day is like a thousand years to our Heavenly Father.
"They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."
Although I am comforted by the fact that I will dwell eternally with my Savior, Jesus Christ, I also realize a little while could be a thousand years or longer. Although I expect Jesus to come back any moment, to Him it is just a little while. Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.
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