Cost Effect

The last few days have taken me back a bit.  Tweeking medications can be a very bumpy ride.  Today I took a census of what has been gained or lost in the last few months.  Though I was not totally defined by my job, a lot of my close relationships were formed there.  I guess I didn't expect how those relationships would be impacted by not being part of a team.  It is pretty lonely at times and my contact with those friends has suffered greatly.

I feel sometimes like my illness has robbed me of many things.  The ability to work, sharing the little things that happen and stretching my friendships.  It seems like I am good at making plans, but not so good at being able to follow through.  Today was one of those days where I know I disappointed a good friend by having to cancel due to it being a challenging day.  At times I wonder how many friends I will have left when all is said and done.  I went to an event on Saturday and had to leave right after lunch because of that gnawing panicky feeling in my gut.  I cancelled a Sunday visit with my "iron sharpening iron" friend and had to cancel today.

It is discouraging to think that my personality and ability to interact is determined by medication.  Right now I am like a bouncing ball - it was great when the ball was high in the air - almost euphoric.  But, then comes the time when the ball starts to drop.  While the ball was high in the air I made plans and was able to follow through.  In fact, for a while I was too high and knew that wouldn't last.

Just last week I had my two younger granddaughters with me and was able to interact with them just fine.  If it were this week, I don't know what the outcome would be.  I am so grateful I had that time and felt normal, whatever that is.  I just don't know how this is all going to work out - it depends on so many things I can't control.  Right now I just feel lonely and discouraged.  I miss my friends and life as it was.  Who will be left when everything settles.  Who wants a friend who is so unpredictable?  Who wants a friend who has very little to give back?  Who will be there?  That's where my thoughts are today.