I read this scripture in my devotions today and had flagged it in August of 2016 to indicate exactly how I was feeling. I am doing much better today, but I wanted to share this scripture and find out how many others have felt this way. Please let me know if you've been there or are there.
Ps. 116:1-8
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for
mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as
long as I live. The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of
the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and
sorrow. Then I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord
save me!" The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is
full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more
O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, O
Lord, have delivered my soul from death...
Perhaps this will meet the need of someone else suffering from depression. These verses definitely sum up where I have been and where I have found rest for me soul.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Thursday, January 5, 2017
"Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop"
Well, it's been almost two years since I've posted. So much for going from surviving to thriving!!! It's been a rough couple of years and yet it has been a time of great healing. God has put the scattered pieces of our family back together again and, in many ways, has made it better. My heart still longs to see our grandson come back, but only God can perform a miracle to make it happen. I am learning to surrender that which cannot be accomplished by my efforts into the hands of the One who can do far better, in fact, above and beyond what I can ask or think!
The last two years we have been trying to find the correct combination of meds to offset what my brain doesn't do. Lots of ups and downs associated with this endeavor. I think we are on the right track and that 2017 proves to be the best year in this search. A neurologist eliminated many of the things that has caused my tremors and put me on something that is helping to offset the shakes. I am truly hopeful we have crossed the threshold.
And now, why I entitled this, "Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop"! I was just reading in Psalm 112:7-8, "He (righteous man) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear." I had to ask myself to honestly assess if this verse is true of me. I can only describe my dilema as gingerly putting my foot on the ice and very carefully stepping out while intensely looking for the ice to crack under my feet. It is very humbling to admit this and I would much rather tell you I have no problem in the area of trust. So many of you have been such an example of faith and trust which makes it all the more apparent that I lack.
BUT...I have a new opportunity in 2017 to grow in learning to trust and having no fear of what God has prepared for me. I don't believe I read these verses by accident -- God is doing a new work within me!!! I look forward to more healing of my body and greater faith. In spite of me, God works in me!!! How grateful I am it doesn't depend on me!!!
I look forward to posting from time to time. Even being able to write this indicates a great deal of healing. Thank you for all your encouragement.
The last two years we have been trying to find the correct combination of meds to offset what my brain doesn't do. Lots of ups and downs associated with this endeavor. I think we are on the right track and that 2017 proves to be the best year in this search. A neurologist eliminated many of the things that has caused my tremors and put me on something that is helping to offset the shakes. I am truly hopeful we have crossed the threshold.
And now, why I entitled this, "Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop"! I was just reading in Psalm 112:7-8, "He (righteous man) will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear." I had to ask myself to honestly assess if this verse is true of me. I can only describe my dilema as gingerly putting my foot on the ice and very carefully stepping out while intensely looking for the ice to crack under my feet. It is very humbling to admit this and I would much rather tell you I have no problem in the area of trust. So many of you have been such an example of faith and trust which makes it all the more apparent that I lack.
BUT...I have a new opportunity in 2017 to grow in learning to trust and having no fear of what God has prepared for me. I don't believe I read these verses by accident -- God is doing a new work within me!!! I look forward to more healing of my body and greater faith. In spite of me, God works in me!!! How grateful I am it doesn't depend on me!!!
I look forward to posting from time to time. Even being able to write this indicates a great deal of healing. Thank you for all your encouragement.
Monday, February 2, 2015
"Doing" vs "Being"
Spending time in Romans is such a blessing - literally. This last year has been one of resting and healing, not much doing. My mind knows that doing doesn't necessarily mean you are being, but being is necessary to doing. I still find myself in that vicious circle of performance driven righteousness, which is no righteousness at all. Good works flow from being righteous, right before God because of Jesus Christ's atonement for our sin. My mind goes back to Galatians where it says,
"Are you so foolish? After beginning in the Spirit, are you now trying to attain you goal by human effort?" Galatians 3:3
There are still times that this question resonates for me. Carrie Gaul, biblical correspondent with Revive Our Hearts and excellent Bible Teacher and retreat speaker, has spoken many times on this very subject. Even with her reminder that who we are is based on Christ's righteousness, I sometimes find myself comparing and coming up short. Resting is the hardest thing to do. It strips us of the doing and focuses on the being. It is extremely humbling.
"However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness." Romans 4:5
"Therefore, the promise comes by faith, so that it may be by grace and may be guaranteed to all Abraham's offspring... Romans 4:16
I've described this last three years as putting together a puzzle of a white polar bear in a blizzard. I'm hoping the next three, if the Lord wills, will be the tranquility of the ocean against a deep blue sky where the ocean blends into the sky only separated by a beautiful sunset. For me this represents a peace unlike anywhere else on earth.
I have no idea what God has in mind for me to do. I just know that "being" comes first before any ministry.
"Are you so foolish? After beginning in the Spirit, are you now trying to attain you goal by human effort?" Galatians 3:3
There are still times that this question resonates for me. Carrie Gaul, biblical correspondent with Revive Our Hearts and excellent Bible Teacher and retreat speaker, has spoken many times on this very subject. Even with her reminder that who we are is based on Christ's righteousness, I sometimes find myself comparing and coming up short. Resting is the hardest thing to do. It strips us of the doing and focuses on the being. It is extremely humbling.
"However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness." Romans 4:5
"Therefore, the promise comes by faith, so that it may be by grace and may be guaranteed to all Abraham's offspring... Romans 4:16
I've described this last three years as putting together a puzzle of a white polar bear in a blizzard. I'm hoping the next three, if the Lord wills, will be the tranquility of the ocean against a deep blue sky where the ocean blends into the sky only separated by a beautiful sunset. For me this represents a peace unlike anywhere else on earth.
I have no idea what God has in mind for me to do. I just know that "being" comes first before any ministry.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Cost Effect
The last few days have taken me back a bit. Tweeking medications can be a very bumpy ride. Today I took a census of what has been gained or lost in the last few months. Though I was not totally defined by my job, a lot of my close relationships were formed there. I guess I didn't expect how those relationships would be impacted by not being part of a team. It is pretty lonely at times and my contact with those friends has suffered greatly.
I feel sometimes like my illness has robbed me of many things. The ability to work, sharing the little things that happen and stretching my friendships. It seems like I am good at making plans, but not so good at being able to follow through. Today was one of those days where I know I disappointed a good friend by having to cancel due to it being a challenging day. At times I wonder how many friends I will have left when all is said and done. I went to an event on Saturday and had to leave right after lunch because of that gnawing panicky feeling in my gut. I cancelled a Sunday visit with my "iron sharpening iron" friend and had to cancel today.
It is discouraging to think that my personality and ability to interact is determined by medication. Right now I am like a bouncing ball - it was great when the ball was high in the air - almost euphoric. But, then comes the time when the ball starts to drop. While the ball was high in the air I made plans and was able to follow through. In fact, for a while I was too high and knew that wouldn't last.
Just last week I had my two younger granddaughters with me and was able to interact with them just fine. If it were this week, I don't know what the outcome would be. I am so grateful I had that time and felt normal, whatever that is. I just don't know how this is all going to work out - it depends on so many things I can't control. Right now I just feel lonely and discouraged. I miss my friends and life as it was. Who will be left when everything settles. Who wants a friend who is so unpredictable? Who wants a friend who has very little to give back? Who will be there? That's where my thoughts are today.
I feel sometimes like my illness has robbed me of many things. The ability to work, sharing the little things that happen and stretching my friendships. It seems like I am good at making plans, but not so good at being able to follow through. Today was one of those days where I know I disappointed a good friend by having to cancel due to it being a challenging day. At times I wonder how many friends I will have left when all is said and done. I went to an event on Saturday and had to leave right after lunch because of that gnawing panicky feeling in my gut. I cancelled a Sunday visit with my "iron sharpening iron" friend and had to cancel today.
It is discouraging to think that my personality and ability to interact is determined by medication. Right now I am like a bouncing ball - it was great when the ball was high in the air - almost euphoric. But, then comes the time when the ball starts to drop. While the ball was high in the air I made plans and was able to follow through. In fact, for a while I was too high and knew that wouldn't last.
Just last week I had my two younger granddaughters with me and was able to interact with them just fine. If it were this week, I don't know what the outcome would be. I am so grateful I had that time and felt normal, whatever that is. I just don't know how this is all going to work out - it depends on so many things I can't control. Right now I just feel lonely and discouraged. I miss my friends and life as it was. Who will be left when everything settles. Who wants a friend who is so unpredictable? Who wants a friend who has very little to give back? Who will be there? That's where my thoughts are today.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Camping at Mt. Sinai
My Bible Study group is dong a study entitled, "One in a Million". The lesson this morning was on camping at the foot of Mt. Sinai. The idea of camping is to settle in even though this was not what the Israelites desired. They wanted to move right into the "land with milk and honey". I can identify so much with wanting a trial to end and move on to better times, BUT...this was a place where intimacy with our Lord is so rich, if we yield to God's choice for our lives.
I've been camped out for almost three years. The desire of my heart is to have harmony with those I love, to be the catalyst for my husband securing a job, even if he is 65 years old. To enjoy sunlight instead of gloom. Success instead of failure. Health instead of illness, and the list goes on, BUT...what would I learn about my Savior if all went well all the time. I'll admit, I don't like God's timing in my wilderness experience. I have been broken and saddened during this time and I know only God can bring me out. I've sobbed and cried out to my Heavenly Father for the comfort only He can give. So many friends believe this will lead to greater ministry and the ability to identify with others. BUT...what if God is only allowing this so I can be more intimate with Him. I would say it would be worth it to have that kind of relationship with God, to be totally dependent on Him for all of my needs, and perhaps some of my wants.
Today I am having sweet fellowship with my Lord. I have a deep sense of His presence and sovereignty. He knows when I need to break camp and enjoy the promised land. After all, we are only here for a little while.
I've been camped out for almost three years. The desire of my heart is to have harmony with those I love, to be the catalyst for my husband securing a job, even if he is 65 years old. To enjoy sunlight instead of gloom. Success instead of failure. Health instead of illness, and the list goes on, BUT...what would I learn about my Savior if all went well all the time. I'll admit, I don't like God's timing in my wilderness experience. I have been broken and saddened during this time and I know only God can bring me out. I've sobbed and cried out to my Heavenly Father for the comfort only He can give. So many friends believe this will lead to greater ministry and the ability to identify with others. BUT...what if God is only allowing this so I can be more intimate with Him. I would say it would be worth it to have that kind of relationship with God, to be totally dependent on Him for all of my needs, and perhaps some of my wants.
Today I am having sweet fellowship with my Lord. I have a deep sense of His presence and sovereignty. He knows when I need to break camp and enjoy the promised land. After all, we are only here for a little while.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Head Over Heels
Years ago I was able to play tennis weekly with three other women from my church. Not only did we play tennis together, we would fellowship over a meal. We kept each other spiritually accountable and shared at a very deep level of sharing and caring. I looked forward to Thursdays for many years until the pain became unbearable and I had to stop this activity.
Thursday of this week marked a huge event. Four very special ladies allowed me to dust off my racket and try out my new wings of freedom. It felt so natural to put that racket in my hand and ease into playing doubles. I was just getting in my groove when I went for a ball that just dropped over the net. My mind told me I could get to that ball and take it down the line on my opponents. But, my body did not follow my mind. I felt my body topple head over heels to the hard, cold concrete leaving me looking up at the ceiling. Of course, these sweet, caring ladies ran to check out the damage expecting to find a bloody mess. I came out of it with a few abrasions, with the rest of my body intact with no broken bones. A shout out to Adelle Dickie, Sheila Lehman and Diana Stickle and Peggy Bough for allowing me this special time. They were so gracious to put up with my feeble attempt to feel 16 again.
I may try my hand at tennis again in a little while. What a wonderful feeling of freedom was mine - I was soaring with the eagles. I've asked myself many times what is meant by a little while. I venture to guess my timetable doesn't come close to what is reversed in scripture. Often other verses with the same phrase indicate a very long time. For example:
I Peter 1:
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. "
I Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
John 16:17
..."In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me..."
Here a little while is over 2000 years, but a day is like a thousand years to our Heavenly Father.
"They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."
Although I am comforted by the fact that I will dwell eternally with my Savior, Jesus Christ, I also realize a little while could be a thousand years or longer. Although I expect Jesus to come back any moment, to Him it is just a little while. Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.
Thursday of this week marked a huge event. Four very special ladies allowed me to dust off my racket and try out my new wings of freedom. It felt so natural to put that racket in my hand and ease into playing doubles. I was just getting in my groove when I went for a ball that just dropped over the net. My mind told me I could get to that ball and take it down the line on my opponents. But, my body did not follow my mind. I felt my body topple head over heels to the hard, cold concrete leaving me looking up at the ceiling. Of course, these sweet, caring ladies ran to check out the damage expecting to find a bloody mess. I came out of it with a few abrasions, with the rest of my body intact with no broken bones. A shout out to Adelle Dickie, Sheila Lehman and Diana Stickle and Peggy Bough for allowing me this special time. They were so gracious to put up with my feeble attempt to feel 16 again.
I may try my hand at tennis again in a little while. What a wonderful feeling of freedom was mine - I was soaring with the eagles. I've asked myself many times what is meant by a little while. I venture to guess my timetable doesn't come close to what is reversed in scripture. Often other verses with the same phrase indicate a very long time. For example:
I Peter 1:
"In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. "
I Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."
John 16:17
..."In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me..."
Here a little while is over 2000 years, but a day is like a thousand years to our Heavenly Father.
"They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."
Although I am comforted by the fact that I will dwell eternally with my Savior, Jesus Christ, I also realize a little while could be a thousand years or longer. Although I expect Jesus to come back any moment, to Him it is just a little while. Even so Lord Jesus, come quickly.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
A Little While
I Peter 5:10
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and stedfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever.
How much is a little while? Does that mean our possible 80 years on earth? Is it different for each of us? Can we do anything to get out of the trial we are in? Would we get out of the trial if we could even if it meant missing out on a blessing or our character changed? How comforting is the word grace or restore and the fact He has the power to do anything. Bottom line, "He is God, I am not."
I find this verse very comforting. It has resounded with me many times in my life. I am not sure if this isn't the longest and most life-changing trial I have been through or am going through. This trial entails the physical, emotional, relational, financial, and spiritual suffering - all of which has one goal according to scripture. The pruning process is very painful. I feel like all my branches have been trimmed back to where there is nothing to see but the tree. Now my prayers have focused on what God may have for service in the future because this isn't all for nothing.
Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on a pill. It is so difficult to have an illness that required medication for me to feel normal. My counselor challenged me to differentiate between mental illness or diabetes, etc. Other diseases, illnesses require medication for someone to feel normal. Why do I even question that. Now that the medication has changed the chemicals that were not being produced properly, my personality seems to be back - at least the personality that I prefer. Will my honesty and vulnerability help someone else? Is it only to change me? Am I able to glorify God through this? Does it depend on my reaction? Do I have control over my actions? Only He can make me strong, firm and steadfast. It doesn't come as a result of anything I do, it is who I am in Jesus Christ. I am His beloved. He loves me lavishly. He loved me before I even was known by Him.
A lot of questions and the perfect answer - "He is God, I am not."
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and stedfast. To Him be the power for ever and ever.
How much is a little while? Does that mean our possible 80 years on earth? Is it different for each of us? Can we do anything to get out of the trial we are in? Would we get out of the trial if we could even if it meant missing out on a blessing or our character changed? How comforting is the word grace or restore and the fact He has the power to do anything. Bottom line, "He is God, I am not."
I find this verse very comforting. It has resounded with me many times in my life. I am not sure if this isn't the longest and most life-changing trial I have been through or am going through. This trial entails the physical, emotional, relational, financial, and spiritual suffering - all of which has one goal according to scripture. The pruning process is very painful. I feel like all my branches have been trimmed back to where there is nothing to see but the tree. Now my prayers have focused on what God may have for service in the future because this isn't all for nothing.
Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on a pill. It is so difficult to have an illness that required medication for me to feel normal. My counselor challenged me to differentiate between mental illness or diabetes, etc. Other diseases, illnesses require medication for someone to feel normal. Why do I even question that. Now that the medication has changed the chemicals that were not being produced properly, my personality seems to be back - at least the personality that I prefer. Will my honesty and vulnerability help someone else? Is it only to change me? Am I able to glorify God through this? Does it depend on my reaction? Do I have control over my actions? Only He can make me strong, firm and steadfast. It doesn't come as a result of anything I do, it is who I am in Jesus Christ. I am His beloved. He loves me lavishly. He loved me before I even was known by Him.
A lot of questions and the perfect answer - "He is God, I am not."
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