How much impact do our genes have on our lives? Kim suggested the book, "Blue Genes" by Paul Meier, M.D. for me to read. According to the author, genes play a huge roll in the area of brain chemical abnormalities. What I did not realize was how many chemicals are involved and the effect that may have for a great number of illnesses. It would be a good read for any family that deals with mental illness in any of it's forms.
Up until two weeks before my mother's death at age 69, she basically blamed others for life's disappointments, but she consistently blamed me following my father's death when I was 13. She considered me extra baggage when she was forced to parent on her own. My predisposition was to embrace that blame and allow it to poison myself and others around me. At age 19, I became a fully committed follower of Christ to which my mother commented, "we'll see how long that lasts". Due to the faithfulness of my Heavenly Father, it is here to stay! But on her death bed, for the first time in my entire 34 years, my mother told me she was sorry and how much she loved me. We connected for the first time and looked forward to new memories - they lasted another two weeks. I didn't just lose my mother, I grieved a lifetime of loss. This made me so aware of what I didn't want to have happen with my children.
It wasn't until my late 30's that I was actually diagnosed and treated properly for a chemical imbalance - there were so many new treatments due to the study of the brain. I had nervous breakdowns throughout my life until then, but never got medical help - I was so determined not to become like my mother. She was basically a drug addict, going from one doctor to another for any pill that would get her through the day - a diet pill to get her going in the morning, a pill to help her go to the bathroom, a pill to dull her depression, a pill to dull the pain and another pill to go to sleep. She convinced me to take some of the same medications in my late teens when I couldn't cope with life, but I flushed them down the commode. She was paranoid, lived on cigarettes and coffee, rarely dressed and hardly moved from her chair. I was determined by God's grace to break away from the sins of my family of origin and live a life of obedience to Him. The enemy of my soul has fought that every step of the way.
